Hilarious Job Evaluations

Have you ever wondered what all is involved in giving an employee review? For those of you who have been managers or supervisors you will remember how much “fun” they are. Actually, if an employee​ evaluation was a good one, it was easy to write and a pleasure to give. Good employees are great to work with. I actually was blessed to have many good people under my supervision. I enjoyed meeting with these folks and telling them how much I appreciated them. People need to be told about the good things they do. I don’t think we tell people often enough about about​ the positives.

On the other hand, giving someone a poor job review is not easy or fun. There aren’t too many people who want to hear that they have not been performing up to par. When I was a supervisor for the county I would write an evaluation, and whether it was good or bad, I had to submit it to the director of nursing for review. Statements I made had to have clear documentation that the employee had been notified of performance issues during the rating period or it could not go on the evaluation. Any negative comments were then forwarded to the human resources (HR) officer to make sure the wording was politically correct and not an attack. Of course, I never wrote anything like, “You are an idiot” or “You are a lazy bum.” It may have been true and I may have actually a time or two wanted to say that because the employee really was awful, but I never did.

So, in this politically correct world where we don’t want to ruffle feathers and call a spade a spade, I want to know how the following quotes from federal employee performance evals made it past HR scrutiny. Most of these statements are definitely not politically correct. Even so, I honestly will admit that I laughed so hard not matter how many times I read them. I’d like to share some with you, but first I need to thank a dear friend for sharing these with me. Thank you, Helen. I loved these and I hope my fellow bloggers will as well. Get ready to laugh.

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” And we wonder how people like this keep their jobs.

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.” Have you ever worked with someone​ who did the strangest things, and whether or not you liked working with this person, you couldn’t wait to see what they could possibly do next?

“I would not allow this employee to breed.” I worked with a very smart and funny secretary. She also happened to be very observant. When someone would do something particularly stupid, she would say, “And people like this are out there breeding.”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” Ouch! A person with this description would probably be considered to be hopeless. Maybe they could be trained to empty trash cans.

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” I had an employee who really was a nice, generous guy, but couldn’t stay awake during the day shift for love or money. He was being paid, but still couldn’t keep his eyes open. No matter how many times we discussed this, on my next rounds​ he would be snoring. This was really dangerous because he was supposed to be monitoring aggressive patients to prevent them from harming someone.

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” My last director of nursing could twist what I said so much that I began to think I truly was an idiot. And we all know that’s not true!

I really loved this one. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” This kind of goes along with the Peter Principle which says that the least capable person will be promoted.

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” This is the know-it-all who really knows less than a little.

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

This one is my favorite of the whole lot. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better.” There were a couple of people that many of us wanted to see go. When they did, we would have a nice potluck.

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” One of those people who if he/she doesn’t give you an ulcer, you want to tear your hair out.

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” Remind me to turn down any invitation I get to enjoy the outdoors when the host is toting a rifle.

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a signpost.” You know this person. He/she argues about anything and everything, while claiming to be the devil’s advocate.

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.” Kind of goes with the following: “He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room.”

Another personal fave – “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“A photographic memory but with a cap over the lens.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”

“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

And last but not least, “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

I hope you got some chuckles out of these. My prayer is that you never find one of these statements on your performance evaluation. LOL!

2 comments on “Hilarious Job Evaluations

  1. These are great! Very good perspective on performance reviews and the workplace in general. 😊

  2. Thanks for visiting! Every time I read those job reviews I just can’t stop laughing. I can actually think of a couple of them that fit people I worked with lol Have a great week! – Vicky

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *