The Battle of the Bulge


Let’s revisit the Battle of the Bulge, Episode 6045.
An ongoing story that seems to repeat itself just like “Groundhog Day.”
(By the way I never did hear if Punksatonnie Phil saw his shadow or not.)

In this episode of the Battle of the Bulge, you will find the same two humble maidens on a quest to lose weight and return to the sexy figures of their youth. (One has a little farther to go to return to her youth, but so what? It could happen. She believes in unicorns and Hobbits.) In episodes past they have tried all kinds of ways to fight the flab, but their weapons of celery and bean sprouts were easily overwhelmed by chocolate assaults and binge eating foisted upon them by their enemies. Let me tell you the enemies had the same names as the fair maidens in our story. Hard to believe, I know. How can you fight back with celery and bean sprouts, I ask you?

Maiden #1 did well in high school on the cottage cheese and grapefruit diet. She lost 18 pounds in 3 weeks. Can’t even remember how soon she fell off the wagon after that weight loss. Way too long ago. I suspect it had to do with her mother’s inappropriate baking of Peanut Butter Blossom cookies and Devil’s Food cake. Even the devil gets in the act when it comes to trying to lose weight. He ought to be ashamed!

Then I tried the college coed diet. I arrived a BYU and noticed that the young women there were all thin, trim, and pretty. And while people thought it was way cool that I was from the Golden State, and most of them were from Yooo-tah, I did not fit a bikini and I am sure all the other girls could. (We weren’t allowed to wear bikinis at BYU, so I guess that helped our fair one.) So while the dorm cafeteria offered some really good food, she only partook of 1 meal a day and drooled the rest of the time. This helped her lose a lot of weight, but it still didn’t matter. Compared to the wholesome farm girls, Maiden #1 looked like one of their herd.

To this day, I look at my children and tell them it is their fault that I have been banned from the local beaches. I tell them they made me fat when I was pregnant and while the fat should have come off when they first breathed air, it didn’t. The pregnancy weight has stuck to me ever since and this fact chaps my hide. But I digress. Let’s get back to our fair maidens and their tribulations.

The two maidens in this story tried Jenny Craig and did really well. For what reason the two maidens stopped the program I can’t be sure, but I can tell you the weight they lost came back and doubled. This I know because the doctor hammered weight loss, weight loss, weight loss into the head of Maiden number 1. It didn’t work because every time Maiden number 1 saw her doctor, he’d look over his half rimmed glasses glowering at the poor wench. (While Maiden #1’s doctor was excellent and had saved Maiden #2’s life, for which both maidens will be forever grateful, Maiden #1 ditched this doctor quietly during open enrollment in October.)

So to resolve and prevent some health problems, both maidens were inspired by a physical therapist to get on the stick and lost weight. Weight loss would not only make us feel better, but it would help to reduce the lymphedema with which Maiden #2 was cursed. Both maidens decided it was time to stop fooling around and get the weight off. Maiden #2 suggested the Medifast program and Maiden #1 said, “Let’s go for the gold.” And speaking of gold, it took more than a few dubloons to pay for the program, but it has been worth it. No one will cheat on a diet that cost so much money. While some of the food is good and some could use some improvement, the maidens have hunkered down. Maiden # 1 has lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Maiden #2 has lost 21 pounds. Now the maidens are aware that a fair amount of the weight loss is water. That is all that will be said. Please don’t rain on their parade.

One of the nice things about Medifast is that they have nutritionists who meet with the clients weekly. And, after a year of weight loss, they offer a year of maintenance to teach the clients how to keep the weight off and eat in the real world. By the way, the maidens are extremely pleased with their counselor/nutritionist Danielle.

Eventually, the maidens will be so proud of their svelte bodies, they will post pictures of themselves on this here blog. Photos are anathema to the dynamic duo at the present time. They almost died when they had to have their photos taken their first day of the program. You know, the before and after. The maidens hope that when they get to the after, the before photos can be burned up.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Pray for the maidens to stick to their guns and diet shakes. Blog you later!!

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